Apparently Rick Santorum has called me to concede. I hate it for ol’ Ricky, but I’m glad that someone finally realizes I have what it takes to make the right decisions in this country. It’s ashame that I couldn’t have served a nicer and warmer state than Pennsylvania…but these are the sacrifices one must make for his country. I have prepared an agenda for my first 100 hours in office of changes I will presenting and subsequently railroading through congress. Many people have asked if I am concerned that the new Dhimmi-crat majority will pose a threat to some of my plans. I anticipate no problems, as the dhimmis currently have no plans of their own, and seem to be relatively weak-willed and easily influenced. Should my charm and doggedness fail to persuade them, I have a contingency of has-been celebrities who fancy themselves politcal pundits waiting in large room to distract and woo them whilst I sweep through the congressional process relatively unopposed.
Here are major changes coming soon:
- The wall between us and Mexico will be extended to cover the entire border. Guard dogs and robots will be used to "neutralize" any fence-jumpers.
- Any illegal immigrants face immediate deportation to Mexico, unless they agree to change their name to Paco and work only in approved Tex-Mex restaurants.
- English as the official language of the United States of America.
- Iraq: America’s 51st state. This serves 2 purposes: #1. Prove that GW never went to Iraq for the oil…but he should have. #2. Cheap oil.
- CIA technology director renamed "Q."
- No smoking in all public buildings.
- Iran and North Korea threat nutralized by throwing water balloons and shouting "Booga booga booga!"
- German candy "Rittersport" will be sold in all Wal-Marts.
That should do it for the first 100 hours. Again, I am grateful to have your vote, Pennsylvanians…you shall always be my top priority, as soon as I find where you are on the map.